Melbourne, Australia
Scientists at the University of the Third Age (U3A) have determined that a drop bear discovered in the foothills of Mount Buggery, Victoria, is a new mutant strain of the vicious marsupial responsible for more attacks on tourists than any other animal except the saltwater crocodile.
Drop bears (Thylarctos plummetus) are an aggressive relative of the koala which have evolved from the timid omnivorous marsupial to become one of the most feared predators in the Australian bush.
During his groundbreaking work in tracking drop bears, Dr Volker Janssen discovered that specimens discovered at Mount Buggery by police in the vicinity of missing British backpackers Levi Gotdis and Willa Damishooda were a strain of drop bear that have developed resistance to effective drop bear repellents.
While this was previously of little consequence for most Australians, given that, according to Australian Geographic, drop bears rarely attack Australians because of ether their accent or residual vegemite in their system, those with foreign accents are strongly encouraged to use vegemite or drop bear repellent.
Alarmingly, there are increasingly frequent reports of drop bears attacking Australians, even those who previously had built up immunity from a lifetime of vegemite on toast.
Representatives of Dizkoalafly claim that their repellent will still be at least 80% effective against the mutant strain of drop bears for at least 8 hours. although their claims haven’t yet been verified.
Meanwhile, Kraft is working with the CSIRO to upgrade its current Vegemite formula to ensure protection from the new strain and has been using a captured juvenile of the new strain.
Scientist feeds a juvenile drop bear with fresh blood during the Kraft Vegemite study
According to Kraft CEO Miguel Patricio, the new biodegradable, reduced salt, sugar free, all natural, gender neutral, racially inclusive, organically produced, environmentally friendly, carbon neutral Vegemite will be 95% effective against the new mutant strain of drop bear.
To avoid drop bear attacks, the department of tourism recommends that you should socially distance from trees by at least 1.5 meters, wear a mask, and put vegemite on your face at all times.
Wearing a mask, though not scientifically proven, will help in muffling your non-Australian accent and make it sound closer to a genuine Australian drawl. Masks are now mandatory in all Victorian woodland areas.
As a service to the Australian government, we’ve included the standard warning for anyone heading into the bush on foot.
The Australian and Victorian governments have now updated their warning for the newly discovered drop bear strain
Claims by Pfizer and Moderna that they are close to developing a vaccine that will be over 90% effective in reducing drop bear attacks from the new strain received an uncharacteristically diplomatic response from the Prime Minster, “Bugger off.”
Stay tuned.
P.
